UGHHHHHHH why do i always want to do the impossible? being a half black half american person can really SUCK. now i know everyones all, 'oh theres not racism' but ohhhhhh fuck no stahp lyin. ive never really felt LIKED cause i got dem brown color to mah skin. and i want to preform. i want to learn korean and i want to be a kpop idol for multiple reasons. ive set myself on that goal, now if only people would i dunno....support me? my dad thinks im insane and im too scared to talk to him about it because i thnk he may hit me upside the head. and my mom is one of those people who likes to tell you how its never going to actually come true then give you a moral lesson on why you should just choose something else. now ive done my research and i can tell you know i probably have no chance at making it into kpop because im fucking mixed as shit and im chubby. but that isnt going to stop me from dreaming about it at night or thinking about it duing the day, and its haunting me forever because i know i will never get there. my parents wont take me seriously if i tell them this is what i want and im 15, what can i do for myself? i cant fly over to korea and be all 'sup bitches im here to be on your radio!' nor can i afford to pay for lessons to learn korean, or for hip hop lessons.
my mom thinks im too old or something for me to take dance...either that or we cant afford it or something.and im just constantly banging my head against the wall, banging and banging and crying and crying up against the wall in my room praying and begging for some wort of release to this hell of a taunt. this taunt of what i want but what ill never get it is bringing me to the brink of insanity. once i start now ill just get worse and worse then youll see me in the news 'girl dragged into mental institute for repetitive spazzes and rants about korean idols, and an overdose of twitching' and i dont wanna be that girl, i dont think anyone wants to be that girl/guy.
i hate it. i hate this fucking god damn burning passion to preform. i hate it because i will never fufill this passion so it will forever wear and tear at my fucking mind and just make me rip my ffucking heart out for crying out loud.
and ive been trying to do things to get over my odd feelings, my hair, my fashion writing drawing roleplay ive tried it all but it all comes back to bite me in the ass and i cant stand it anymore. this is so bad i CRY just thinking about it because there is something wrong with me. i hate it i just WANT. IT. TO. GO. AWAY. now just let it go and never come back so i can live happy.
i envy those of you who dont know what they want to do with their lives.
you have it easy.